Where Did I Get This Idea?

Now that I'm out of classes for the semester, I have had a lot of time to think. This can be dangerous for all of us! I've decided to share a little bit of that with all of you. :)

A friend of mine mentioned that recently he identified an unhealthy thought pattern of his, and that challenged me to do the same. It was actually quite timely, because a book that I had been reading at the time brought the same point to my attention.

Actually, let us chat about this book for a second. It is called "The Story of B", and the author is Daniel Quinn.

http://www.amazon.com/Story-B-Daniel-Quinn/dp/0553379011/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1293076844&sr=8-1

Here is an excerpt from pages 101 to 102. No plagerism intended. This is all the work of the author.

“The Imperial Chill had been an imperial preoccupation for so long that no one was counting
centuries anymore. That it was genetic was obvious, of course, but this knowledge helped no one—certainly not the shivering Emperor. Every academic and scientific discipline in the realm had a chilly aspect. Every scholar and scientist was to some degree or in some sense working on the problem, which was generally agreed to be metabolic and probably dietary. There was of course nothing wrong with the emperor’s diet, but it was assumed that some adjustment (possibly quite infinitesimal) would turn the trick and give His Highness relief. There were acorn diets and apple diets—and watercress diets and zucchini diets at the other end of the alphabet. Every university depended on its subsidy for research on the tempering effects of diet and food—research that everyone knew could be effortlessly spun out till the end of time.

“One day, however, the Prime Minister called a press conference and announced that a breakthrough had been made. Of course, breakthroughs had been announced before and had always come to nothing, so no one was really worried—till they saw the look on the Prime Minister’s face. This time (that look told them) something uncomfortably new was in the offing.”

Shirin paused and asked B whether she should finish it then or wait till later.

“Oh, finish it now,” B said grumpily. “Then he can be thinking about it.”

Shirin continued.

“The Prime Minister’s announcement (that the cause of the Imperial Chill had been found) was shockingly brief—and was followed by a shocked silence, which soon became a murmur of horror, disbelief, and denial. The truth of the minister’s words was not what outraged his listeners. What outraged them was the idea that, after defeating the best minds of a dozen generations, the Emperor’s chilliness could be explained so simply. The feeling seemed to be that critical problems (like the Emperor’s chill) must absolutely have complex and impenetrable causes, and they must absolutely be difficult (and perhaps even impossible) to solve. As he wandered aimlessly through the crowd, one dazed scholar was heard to mutter over and over, ‘There are no easy answers, there are no easy answers, there are no easy answers’—not with any real conviction now but rather as if repetition might restore vitality to these familiar, comforting words.

“What was distressing them was not the fact that the cause of the chill was now known but rather the fact that it had always been known—but never as a cause. It had stared them in the face, and looking beyond it to remote and unintelligible causes, they had missed its significance. Throughout the empire, there was literally no one who was ignorant of the fact that their shivering monarch had . . . no . . .clothes.”

Of course, we say, "Well that's obvious! Why did no one see that before?" Understand, we come from a mindset where people wear clothes. They did not. It would be like asking a colorblind person to describe a tye-dye shirt. The idea behind this is to challenge yourself to question the ideas and paradigms that you don't know you have. This idea was fascinating to me, and I was excited to implement it.

Then I found one! I have this idea, this thought that has been a frame of my operating all my life. I literally just sat in silence for a few minutes when I realized this. Here it is. All of my life, I have believed that when I die and enter eternal life, I'll first have to watch a movie. This movie will be composed of every single sin that I have ever committed in my life. God will be showing this movie, and I will have to explain to Him what my exact thoughts were each time I sinned. Before I'll be admitted to heaven (which is another idea to unpack later), I first must atone for my sins via explanation.

This is so flawed and not a picture of true grace. God forgets our sins- He does not hold us accountable for them. Furthermore, the idea that I have to provide my atonement for these sins is a slap in the face to Christ, who paid this high price for me. To receive Grace, I simply must acknowledge this. This is sin. This is my broken humanity that I must release and let God redeem. God does not remember my sins. Such a simple truth, but I couldn't understand it because of an idea that I didn't know that I had.

Furthermore, I believe that this thought process has put me on the permanent defensive. If my God, who allegedly "loves me unconditionally", holds my sins against me, then how much more does fallen humanity? This helps me, and I hope my friends, understand why I am so damn defensive.

So that's that. Right now I'm trying to figure out what living this new truth looks like. I want to not be defensive, and I want to be able to live my life correctly- as me. I think this is one more defense mechanism broken down.

Thanks for reading. Comment on. See ya next time.

After the Storm

Hey there blog buddies. . . aka my own mind and a few close friends.

WOW. I can't believe that it has almost been an entire year since I've blogged last. It is safe to say that since then I have rarely taken time out to reflect and process my life (which is in fact situational irony given my last post).

It seems that lately the only medium that captures my mood is the music from perhaps my favorite band- Mumford and Sons. If you don't know them, check them out. One particular line is haunting me at the moment. It is from their song "Roll Away Your Stone", which is a long time jewel for me.

Roll away your stone, I'll roll away mine

Together we can see what we will find.

Don't leave me alone at this time,

For I'm afraid of what I will discover inside.

It is currently 3:15 in the morning and the fact that I am alone in a temporary housing arrangement terrifies me. I've run out of distractions. My best friend just left after we watched Lord of the Rings and talked life (which was invaluable time spent). I've watched all my movies and TV shows over and over again. Music, video games and infomercials only taunt me into realizing that I now must face the things that I have been putting off.

You see, I have been living with quite the incongruence in my life. On one hand, I want to a person who submits his life to God, no questions asked. A person who lives a life that is completely not his own and totally handed over to the maker. Then on the other, and perhaps more tenacious hand, is a man who wants nothing more than to self-preserve. I want to call the shots and run the show. These two things are completely incompatible. To put them together is, well, as impossible as passing a camel through the eye of a needle. (How do I cite Jesus? Is there an MLA format for blogs?)

For quite sometime I have been ignoring the fact that I am living two halves of a life that do not add to a whole. I can't even begin to understand how to reconcile these two parts of me. When I think of the practics of it all, I just want to crawl into a corner and give up. Which is also an overwhelming feeling- because I have convinced myself that there is nothing that I cannot overcome. But either life leads to sacrifice. Relations, resources, and what feels like my own humanity is at stake.

Now here is the kicker- neither one of these options feels correct. Maybe it is just a fairy tale dream, but I would like to think that when I am living my life as I am supposed to that there will be a peaceful feeling. I'm not saying that I want to be happy all the time, no. I should expect hardship. But shouldn't there be some sort of transcendent assurance? Some sort of psychological construct that assures my steadfastness? I know that I have yet to experience either.

Another line from Mumford comes to mind.

It seems that all my bridges have been burned,

But you say that's exactly how this grace thing works.

Its not the long walk home that will change this heart,

But the welcome I receive with each restart.

I came to this understanding the other day. Perhaps forcing myself into one of the two molds that I know is not the most effective way to deduce a correct way of living. I have always said that extremes make me nervous. Being confronted with two extremes is life's way of telling you to seek balance, usually in the form of a third way. This way typically is more difficult to navigate, nearly impossible to define, and elusive to search.

But heck, I've spent a significant amount of time over the years "burning bridges" in a good way. What I mean is that I have at length explored my defense mechanisms, control tactics, and dysfunctions in relationships in both categories. This has in a sense given me a freedom from these things because I understand them. I understand that on one hand I desire intimate relationships. And I also understand why that hand gives them to the other to be crushed. It is becoming clear to me the security I choose to give others and refuse myself. This is a type of grace. The grace that leads me to see myself in the eyes of a creator.

But enough with the long walks. I've learned that I can't force myself to fit something I don't belong. It will just result in frustration on my part and anyone in the vicinity. That is not going to change my heart. However, perhaps after some exploration, a welcome at a restart will be just the thing a long, wearied, and scarred heart needs.

Wow. Only half an hour later and I feel slightly better. A little introspection does a body good, I suppose. But this is easy part- releasing this information to a bunch of ideas of people. Letting you live this nasty part of my life with me is the hard part.

Thanks for reading, thanks for living.