After the Storm

Hey there blog buddies. . . aka my own mind and a few close friends.

WOW. I can't believe that it has almost been an entire year since I've blogged last. It is safe to say that since then I have rarely taken time out to reflect and process my life (which is in fact situational irony given my last post).

It seems that lately the only medium that captures my mood is the music from perhaps my favorite band- Mumford and Sons. If you don't know them, check them out. One particular line is haunting me at the moment. It is from their song "Roll Away Your Stone", which is a long time jewel for me.

Roll away your stone, I'll roll away mine

Together we can see what we will find.

Don't leave me alone at this time,

For I'm afraid of what I will discover inside.

It is currently 3:15 in the morning and the fact that I am alone in a temporary housing arrangement terrifies me. I've run out of distractions. My best friend just left after we watched Lord of the Rings and talked life (which was invaluable time spent). I've watched all my movies and TV shows over and over again. Music, video games and infomercials only taunt me into realizing that I now must face the things that I have been putting off.

You see, I have been living with quite the incongruence in my life. On one hand, I want to a person who submits his life to God, no questions asked. A person who lives a life that is completely not his own and totally handed over to the maker. Then on the other, and perhaps more tenacious hand, is a man who wants nothing more than to self-preserve. I want to call the shots and run the show. These two things are completely incompatible. To put them together is, well, as impossible as passing a camel through the eye of a needle. (How do I cite Jesus? Is there an MLA format for blogs?)

For quite sometime I have been ignoring the fact that I am living two halves of a life that do not add to a whole. I can't even begin to understand how to reconcile these two parts of me. When I think of the practics of it all, I just want to crawl into a corner and give up. Which is also an overwhelming feeling- because I have convinced myself that there is nothing that I cannot overcome. But either life leads to sacrifice. Relations, resources, and what feels like my own humanity is at stake.

Now here is the kicker- neither one of these options feels correct. Maybe it is just a fairy tale dream, but I would like to think that when I am living my life as I am supposed to that there will be a peaceful feeling. I'm not saying that I want to be happy all the time, no. I should expect hardship. But shouldn't there be some sort of transcendent assurance? Some sort of psychological construct that assures my steadfastness? I know that I have yet to experience either.

Another line from Mumford comes to mind.

It seems that all my bridges have been burned,

But you say that's exactly how this grace thing works.

Its not the long walk home that will change this heart,

But the welcome I receive with each restart.

I came to this understanding the other day. Perhaps forcing myself into one of the two molds that I know is not the most effective way to deduce a correct way of living. I have always said that extremes make me nervous. Being confronted with two extremes is life's way of telling you to seek balance, usually in the form of a third way. This way typically is more difficult to navigate, nearly impossible to define, and elusive to search.

But heck, I've spent a significant amount of time over the years "burning bridges" in a good way. What I mean is that I have at length explored my defense mechanisms, control tactics, and dysfunctions in relationships in both categories. This has in a sense given me a freedom from these things because I understand them. I understand that on one hand I desire intimate relationships. And I also understand why that hand gives them to the other to be crushed. It is becoming clear to me the security I choose to give others and refuse myself. This is a type of grace. The grace that leads me to see myself in the eyes of a creator.

But enough with the long walks. I've learned that I can't force myself to fit something I don't belong. It will just result in frustration on my part and anyone in the vicinity. That is not going to change my heart. However, perhaps after some exploration, a welcome at a restart will be just the thing a long, wearied, and scarred heart needs.

Wow. Only half an hour later and I feel slightly better. A little introspection does a body good, I suppose. But this is easy part- releasing this information to a bunch of ideas of people. Letting you live this nasty part of my life with me is the hard part.

Thanks for reading, thanks for living.