Where Did I Get This Idea?

Now that I'm out of classes for the semester, I have had a lot of time to think. This can be dangerous for all of us! I've decided to share a little bit of that with all of you. :)

A friend of mine mentioned that recently he identified an unhealthy thought pattern of his, and that challenged me to do the same. It was actually quite timely, because a book that I had been reading at the time brought the same point to my attention.

Actually, let us chat about this book for a second. It is called "The Story of B", and the author is Daniel Quinn.

http://www.amazon.com/Story-B-Daniel-Quinn/dp/0553379011/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1293076844&sr=8-1

Here is an excerpt from pages 101 to 102. No plagerism intended. This is all the work of the author.

“The Imperial Chill had been an imperial preoccupation for so long that no one was counting
centuries anymore. That it was genetic was obvious, of course, but this knowledge helped no one—certainly not the shivering Emperor. Every academic and scientific discipline in the realm had a chilly aspect. Every scholar and scientist was to some degree or in some sense working on the problem, which was generally agreed to be metabolic and probably dietary. There was of course nothing wrong with the emperor’s diet, but it was assumed that some adjustment (possibly quite infinitesimal) would turn the trick and give His Highness relief. There were acorn diets and apple diets—and watercress diets and zucchini diets at the other end of the alphabet. Every university depended on its subsidy for research on the tempering effects of diet and food—research that everyone knew could be effortlessly spun out till the end of time.

“One day, however, the Prime Minister called a press conference and announced that a breakthrough had been made. Of course, breakthroughs had been announced before and had always come to nothing, so no one was really worried—till they saw the look on the Prime Minister’s face. This time (that look told them) something uncomfortably new was in the offing.”

Shirin paused and asked B whether she should finish it then or wait till later.

“Oh, finish it now,” B said grumpily. “Then he can be thinking about it.”

Shirin continued.

“The Prime Minister’s announcement (that the cause of the Imperial Chill had been found) was shockingly brief—and was followed by a shocked silence, which soon became a murmur of horror, disbelief, and denial. The truth of the minister’s words was not what outraged his listeners. What outraged them was the idea that, after defeating the best minds of a dozen generations, the Emperor’s chilliness could be explained so simply. The feeling seemed to be that critical problems (like the Emperor’s chill) must absolutely have complex and impenetrable causes, and they must absolutely be difficult (and perhaps even impossible) to solve. As he wandered aimlessly through the crowd, one dazed scholar was heard to mutter over and over, ‘There are no easy answers, there are no easy answers, there are no easy answers’—not with any real conviction now but rather as if repetition might restore vitality to these familiar, comforting words.

“What was distressing them was not the fact that the cause of the chill was now known but rather the fact that it had always been known—but never as a cause. It had stared them in the face, and looking beyond it to remote and unintelligible causes, they had missed its significance. Throughout the empire, there was literally no one who was ignorant of the fact that their shivering monarch had . . . no . . .clothes.”

Of course, we say, "Well that's obvious! Why did no one see that before?" Understand, we come from a mindset where people wear clothes. They did not. It would be like asking a colorblind person to describe a tye-dye shirt. The idea behind this is to challenge yourself to question the ideas and paradigms that you don't know you have. This idea was fascinating to me, and I was excited to implement it.

Then I found one! I have this idea, this thought that has been a frame of my operating all my life. I literally just sat in silence for a few minutes when I realized this. Here it is. All of my life, I have believed that when I die and enter eternal life, I'll first have to watch a movie. This movie will be composed of every single sin that I have ever committed in my life. God will be showing this movie, and I will have to explain to Him what my exact thoughts were each time I sinned. Before I'll be admitted to heaven (which is another idea to unpack later), I first must atone for my sins via explanation.

This is so flawed and not a picture of true grace. God forgets our sins- He does not hold us accountable for them. Furthermore, the idea that I have to provide my atonement for these sins is a slap in the face to Christ, who paid this high price for me. To receive Grace, I simply must acknowledge this. This is sin. This is my broken humanity that I must release and let God redeem. God does not remember my sins. Such a simple truth, but I couldn't understand it because of an idea that I didn't know that I had.

Furthermore, I believe that this thought process has put me on the permanent defensive. If my God, who allegedly "loves me unconditionally", holds my sins against me, then how much more does fallen humanity? This helps me, and I hope my friends, understand why I am so damn defensive.

So that's that. Right now I'm trying to figure out what living this new truth looks like. I want to not be defensive, and I want to be able to live my life correctly- as me. I think this is one more defense mechanism broken down.

Thanks for reading. Comment on. See ya next time.

After the Storm

Hey there blog buddies. . . aka my own mind and a few close friends.

WOW. I can't believe that it has almost been an entire year since I've blogged last. It is safe to say that since then I have rarely taken time out to reflect and process my life (which is in fact situational irony given my last post).

It seems that lately the only medium that captures my mood is the music from perhaps my favorite band- Mumford and Sons. If you don't know them, check them out. One particular line is haunting me at the moment. It is from their song "Roll Away Your Stone", which is a long time jewel for me.

Roll away your stone, I'll roll away mine

Together we can see what we will find.

Don't leave me alone at this time,

For I'm afraid of what I will discover inside.

It is currently 3:15 in the morning and the fact that I am alone in a temporary housing arrangement terrifies me. I've run out of distractions. My best friend just left after we watched Lord of the Rings and talked life (which was invaluable time spent). I've watched all my movies and TV shows over and over again. Music, video games and infomercials only taunt me into realizing that I now must face the things that I have been putting off.

You see, I have been living with quite the incongruence in my life. On one hand, I want to a person who submits his life to God, no questions asked. A person who lives a life that is completely not his own and totally handed over to the maker. Then on the other, and perhaps more tenacious hand, is a man who wants nothing more than to self-preserve. I want to call the shots and run the show. These two things are completely incompatible. To put them together is, well, as impossible as passing a camel through the eye of a needle. (How do I cite Jesus? Is there an MLA format for blogs?)

For quite sometime I have been ignoring the fact that I am living two halves of a life that do not add to a whole. I can't even begin to understand how to reconcile these two parts of me. When I think of the practics of it all, I just want to crawl into a corner and give up. Which is also an overwhelming feeling- because I have convinced myself that there is nothing that I cannot overcome. But either life leads to sacrifice. Relations, resources, and what feels like my own humanity is at stake.

Now here is the kicker- neither one of these options feels correct. Maybe it is just a fairy tale dream, but I would like to think that when I am living my life as I am supposed to that there will be a peaceful feeling. I'm not saying that I want to be happy all the time, no. I should expect hardship. But shouldn't there be some sort of transcendent assurance? Some sort of psychological construct that assures my steadfastness? I know that I have yet to experience either.

Another line from Mumford comes to mind.

It seems that all my bridges have been burned,

But you say that's exactly how this grace thing works.

Its not the long walk home that will change this heart,

But the welcome I receive with each restart.

I came to this understanding the other day. Perhaps forcing myself into one of the two molds that I know is not the most effective way to deduce a correct way of living. I have always said that extremes make me nervous. Being confronted with two extremes is life's way of telling you to seek balance, usually in the form of a third way. This way typically is more difficult to navigate, nearly impossible to define, and elusive to search.

But heck, I've spent a significant amount of time over the years "burning bridges" in a good way. What I mean is that I have at length explored my defense mechanisms, control tactics, and dysfunctions in relationships in both categories. This has in a sense given me a freedom from these things because I understand them. I understand that on one hand I desire intimate relationships. And I also understand why that hand gives them to the other to be crushed. It is becoming clear to me the security I choose to give others and refuse myself. This is a type of grace. The grace that leads me to see myself in the eyes of a creator.

But enough with the long walks. I've learned that I can't force myself to fit something I don't belong. It will just result in frustration on my part and anyone in the vicinity. That is not going to change my heart. However, perhaps after some exploration, a welcome at a restart will be just the thing a long, wearied, and scarred heart needs.

Wow. Only half an hour later and I feel slightly better. A little introspection does a body good, I suppose. But this is easy part- releasing this information to a bunch of ideas of people. Letting you live this nasty part of my life with me is the hard part.

Thanks for reading, thanks for living.

Rest

Well ladies and gentlemen...this is the topic of the day today...rest.

I must say, that this is something that I don't do enough. I like to go and do things. It does not matter what it is, I just like to do. Strengthfinders, a popular personality inventory, puts it like this:

Your Achiever theme helps explain you drive. Achiever describes a constant need for achievement. You feel as if every day starts at zero. By the end of the day you must achieve something tangible in order to feel good about yourself. And by "everyday" you mean every single day- workdays, weekends, vacations. No matter how much you feel you deserve a day of rest, if the day passes without some fore of achievement, no matter how small, you will feel dissatisfied. You have an internal fire burning inside of you. It pushes you to do more, to achieve more. After each accomplishment is reached, the fire dwindles for a moment, but very soon it rekindles itself, forcing you toward the next accomplishment. Your relentless need for achievement might not be logical. It might not even be focused. But it will always be with you. As an Achiever you must learn to live with you this whisper of discontent. It does have its benefits. It brings you the energy you need to work long hours without burning out. It is the jolt you can always count on to get you started on new tasks, new challenges. It is the power supply that causes you to set the pace and define the levels of productivity for your work group. It is the theme that keeps you moving.

I have always been driven, and it wasn't until about a year or so ago that I finally saw the downfall to that. But my first job- Jamba Juice- I was the youngest manager in the history of our district. I've been with DirectBuy for 5 years and have held almost every position there. In leadership circles, I am always found in the Director or similar spot. I have never settled for entry level. If I have, it has been only an inconvenient but necessary step to a higher role.

I think that only true Achievers can fully understand this. But it becomes this: Your value and self-worth is wrapped up in how much you can Achieve. You don't want to slow down, because if you stop producing, you stop being of value, and who wants that? So to stop doing things to take time out to rest seems very counter-intuitive, especially if said individual is a self-preserving, isolated person.

Yesterday, I took a day out to rest. It was one of the rare times in my life when I was actually exhausted enough to admit it to myself. That is a rarity. I slept in, drank tea, had some conversation with people, went to dinner, and went back to bed. I think I was awake for a total of 8 hours. Of course, it felt great and my body loved me for letting it stop for a day. I feel rested, and ready to achieve again.

My question is this- Is resting for resting's sake the goal? Or is resting as an investment to be a more efficient achiever ok? If someone's motive to rest is only as a "stepping stone" to higher levels, is that still rest? Let's get thinking friends.

Here's the secret to changing the world...

Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. -James 4:13-14

The world map hanging on the wall behind me that my roommate (Joshua Erickson) helps drive this point further home. As much as my flesh may try and convince my mind that I am great, rich, powerful, influential...the simple fact is that I am alive in a world with a population of about 6 billion. In a given day, I may interact with maximum, 100 of these people. That is roughly .000000016% of the world's population. If I continue to interact with 100 people per day for the next 50 years, that is 1,825,000 people. Now we are at about .000304% of the world's population.

Now, this is a fairly essential point, and I want to put it into perspective, or at least make a vague attempt to do so. I have a hard time grasping what exactly .000304% means. Just how small is that? Well, if I continue with the theory that I will live to the age of 71, that is:

25,915 days

621,960 hours

37,317,600 minutes

2,239,056,000 seconds

I hope James had a good abacus...

That's how much time lapses between my first breath and last- if I live to be 71.

So let's take that figure of .000304%. If I were to only live that portion of my life, I will live 6309 seconds. That's 105 minutes, 1.75 hours, or almost one sixth of one day..... WOW. .000304% seems like no big deal at all now.

Keep in mind folks- this is on a timetable of 71 years. What about God- who is eternal. If I am so insignificant on my own scale- then what about an ETERNAL timeframe?

Truly, I am nothing.

So what do I do with this knowledge? Do I give up? Become apathetic because in the grand scheme of things I do not matter? Really, what's the point of even trying to do something great, to mass great achievements, or to even try and build a home or family? My estate has no value- it really is all just a vapor in the wind. I should just quit now, because what impact could I have?

Certainly not! I believe that there is a great positive in this statement. I don't think that James meant for us to become downtrodden and bedraggled. I think that there is a great humbling that come with this realization, and who couldn't do with a nice fat slice of humble pie every now and then? Rather- just think- can you think of 1 hour and 45 minutes of your life that were life changing? I know I can! I can think of several!

What if we did it this way? What if I impacted my .000304% to the best of my ability? What if you impacted yours? Together, that's 3,650,000. And- what if each and every one of the 3,650,000 people that we meet and impact go further and impact their own set of 1,825,000? Now you and I together have reached 6,661,250,000,000 people. I'll do the math again for you, friend. That means that you and I have managed to change the world and will continue to have an impact for the next 1,110 years. Over one millennium. That means that if we were alive in the year 900- our impact would have stopped only 13 days ago.

So no- I don't think that James meant for us to get down and out about this...I think that it is empowering! Look at one mist in the wind can do. Of course, the entire chapter before this is about submitting to God. So rather a better assessment would be- look at what one mist submitted to God can do.

I would very much like to hear your thoughts about this.

Praise

With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. James 3:10.

If I praise God, but fail to see what is praiseworthy in His creation, then how valid are my praises? If I am truly see something that is worthy of praise, then everything that is similar to that thing should also inspire praise.

Here's to...

...New beginnings? Commitments? Resolutions? Who knows. All I know is this: in the past when I have tried to do a blog...it has failed. Let's make this one happen. I'm not very funny or witty, so I hope that my life will be enough to entertain you. Who knows what this will become...I promise you this: We will have a good time, if you, yes you- remain open minded. You see, minds are like parachutes- they work best when they are open.

For the time being- what do you think of this?

For all your days prepare,

And meet them ever alike:

When you are the anvil, bear--

When you are the hammer, Strike.

-Edwin Markham